December 27, 2018

I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. Blind folded. The ups and downs of this diagnosis are wearing me down. Maybe it’s the waiting, mixed with the chaos of holidays. Tears just spontaneously flow at unpredictable times. Yesterday I had a full breast MRI and blood work done. Dancer and Prancer went along to keep me smiling and I have a new prayer blanket from the Methodist Church in Port Orchard. I wasn’t able to take my woo-woo rocks or my blanket into the machine and I had to be a big girl and lay very very still while the machine clunked and banged around scanning for scattered cancer.

The tech asked me if this was my first diagnosis with breast cancer and I wanted to scream at her that I was certain that she had gotten it all wrong and that I, in fact, definitely did NOT have breast cancer!! But this morning I woke early with knife pain reminding me that, yes, I do have it and over the next week we are going to have to make a lot of decisions and I better eat a lot of really healthy food and drink a lot of coffee so my brain will fire on all cylinders.

Today is the first round of consults. Back to Overlake we go. I will have to use all my mindfulness skills to walk through the automatic doors at that hospital and not turn and run as soon as they make that “swooshing “noise when they open. Or crumple to a heap on the floor when the smell of antiseptic hits me in the face. We will meet with the radiologist and the oncologist to find out what course of treatment they recommend. It will be a package deal but not the good kind that involve plane tickets to a sunny warm beach.

Yesterday the best news I received is that my cancer is HER-2 NEGATIVE! This basically means I have lazy cancer or a not so aggressive type of breast cancer. It’s a win! I also found out that not all chemo makes your hair fall out and because it’s HER-2 negative I should be able to have surgery first and some combo of chemo/radiation after. I learned about the pros of having a port implanted for treatment and about the healing properties of Turkey Tail mushrooms.

I vacillate in this space between being overwhelmed by gratefulness and super pissed off at the unjustness. It’s actually much easier and less exhausting to just be grateful so I try to stay focused there. But every once in awhile I want to throw a full blown tantrum and dramatically kick and scream that it’s just all so unfair.

Thank you all so much for the kind comments. We read EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. And it makes the road much less lonely. Steve and I are so very grateful for the love and support that surrounds us. Truly it is grace upon grace. My Steve is an amazing rock. He never waffles and is so very strong. I know he feels the same ebb and flow of emotion. He hurts when I hurt.

So off to Overlake we will go today. Expert opinion #1. We are waiting for the scheduler at Valley Women’s Breast Center to call back and we will go get our second opinion there. Prayers that Valley is our place and we can get in soon. The location can’t be beat and we would like to not spend the free time we will have in traffic getting to and from treatment. Also, prayers that MRI scan shows that the cancer has not spread. Much love to all of you!

#cancersucks #lovewins