December is a time of waiting. A building of anticipation of what’s to come. ADVENTure. This looks different for all of us no matter what our circumstances are. Society feels it. Media feeds it.

I’d like to share my story with you because 1.) I love hearing stories about your life, and 2.) I discovered something about my body and I’m sure I’m not the only one that has had to late night Google surf for answers, and 3.) I want to offer a gentle reminder that we never truly know what’s going on with our friends, family, neighbors and co-works so offering kindness and grace no matter what is always the best option.

**This may be a bit long and you don’t have to read it or comment but leading an authentic life means putting real stories out there, so here it goes.***

Two weeks ago, I found a lump. Yep, a definite lump, in my left breast. Those of you that know my history know that weird shit happens to me all the time. So I ignored it. Didn’t say a peep to anyone. I didn’t even check it out everyday. I silently prayed it away. But then it started hurting. Basically, it was just yelling at me to WAKE UP! Constantly. It felt like someone was stabbing me with a fire knife. I felt for the lump again. Larger. Oh, God! WHAT IS GOING ON? So I turned to Google. Phew. Sounds like a cyst. It will go away. Then, God apparently thought he didn’t have my attention. (Squeamish people, skip ahead!) I began lactating. WTF??? I haven’t breastfed for 17 years. This is not okay. I Googled more. I reached out to girlfriends and they urged (demanded) I see a doctor. I also texted my best friend in Oregon who’s REAL SMART and she suggested Urgent Care. I went to work to sling chicken nuggets to the kids, came home and prepared dinner and called my old primary care doctor who is a naturopath. They got me in the next day.

I only told a handful of people. As a woman, I’ve been warned about “the lump”. We are suppose to be diligent about breast self-care. But I don’t have one of those calendars that hang in my shower to remind me and I’m a bit of a squirrel and get distracted by shiny things. But no one really tells you about “the lump”. What it really feels like. And let me tell you, Google doesn’t either. Mine feels like a water balloon or a jellyfish. It’s about 2 inches long and it feels like it may explode at any given moment.

Nothing tells you who to call. What kind of doctor to see and there’s no 1-800-MYBOOBISEXPLODING number to call. I chose my naturopath because I trusted them explicitly and they’ve saved my life before. The doctor who I was scheduled with ended up calling in another doctor who is a women’s specialist, for a second opinion For over an hour they listened and examined and then they ordered the works. “Let’s not take chances.” They worked tirelessly to find an imaging location that would take me ASAP. This proved difficult. Apparently everyone wants images in December. Overlake was able to squeeze me in yesterday and I feel like this is God’s plan. As I mentioned, I don’t have fond memories of Overlake and it has the ability to throw me into a full panic attack with one blue plastic pillow or a nurse that can’t draw blood.

Everything was amazing yesterday and my faith and belief that Jesus is in every moment kept me calm. The strength of my husband who makes me laugh and promises to pick me up off the floor if I freak out is amazing.

Now we continue to wait. To anticipate. However, I’m no longer searching Google. Trusting a medical team is hard. Especially if it has failed you so many times before. However, I believe God has prepared me for this battle and I’m ready to fight. This cancer stands no chance. We will wait for the biopsy on Tuesday and then the results on Thursday. Then we will jump into the ring with two feet and battle. We are ready for this.

Your outpouring of love and support has been amazing. Whatever it is you are anticipating this December I hope you do it surrounded by love. May you hug more and love fiercely. And to all my breast friends…GO GET A MAMMOGRAM!!! I can fall asleep each night knowing that Love Wins!

#cancersucks #lovewins