Originally Posted on Caring Bridge: Journal Entry by Tracy Wade — January 22, 2019

Does anyone recognize this flamingo family? They arrived yesterday!

We have plenty of snacks and frozen pizza!

A week from today I’ll be eating chocolate pudding, red jello or some other awful hospital food. I can’t believe it’s almost here. Some days are painfully slow, yet the weeks have gone by so quickly.

Framily, I can’t even tell you how many miracles happen EVERY DAY! It’s beyond amazing and Steve and I sit here with our jaws wide open in disbelief. You all are absolutely amazing. Never in a million years did we believe such generosity would continually flow over us. We are so full of gratitude and appreciation. Thank you so much for your love, prayers, gifts, and generosity.

For the most part (90% of the time) I stay optimistic and positive. I try to keep anxiety at bay by not worrying about things I have no control over. I use humor and diversion to keep my brain from twisting down rabbit holes. However, I’m human and cancer is scary. Having your breast chopped off sucks. I wanted to share a post I wrote in my journal a few days ago on a hard day. This platform isn’t for just the funny stories but I want to share what my journey is truly like.

January 19 | Thoughts & Fears (Unpublished)
My natural state is to find the good, the humor, the silver lining of any situation. It’s how I have survived trauma and heartache. But even with the strongest desire to see the good, there are still moments of utter despair and terror. A panic: “I cannot do this”! It often sneaks up on me unexpectedly and takes me out at the knees. There’s a period of falling, of breath stopping panic. Thoughts spin, “what if I don’t wake up from the anesthesia, what if chemo kills me, what if my bald head scares Steve in the middle of the night, I don’t have a will, how do I protect the kids?????” All of this races through my head before I hit the ground…which is precisely where God wants me to be. I’m always amazed at how the perspective changes when you are on your knees, and in a split second I know it will all be okay. Grace shuts down panic. Am I terrified of Tuesday, January 29th? Absolutely. But the power of prayer and my community fills me with so much love and support. It is grace upon grace.

So that’s what a hard day looks like. There’s usually tears and snot followed by wine and then friendship and laughter. It’s the never ending roller coaster ride. This is a fairly mellow week. I was approved for my PET scan which is on Thursday morning. Pray I can lay still for an hour. Steve and I just staying the course with business and I have 3 more days of sling’n chicken nuggets. This weekend we are headed on a Staycation to downtown Seattle for 1-night. Stella & Bud (my slippers) will be making an appearance at the Westin! The special pjs and button down shirts have been purchased, my new bathrobe has arrived, the wedge pillow and collagen powder came today. I went to Trader Joe’s for a 5 week shopping spree. Thank you again for all your support. It really does make all the difference.

ALSO!! This adorable family of flamingos arrive anonymously! We would love to know who sent them. They sit right outside my office window and absolutely make me smile!!!

#grateful #lovewins #cancersucks #tellyourstory #StellaandBud

Journal Comments

• Sue Frost Harralson : Ohhh… You are a complete person. Highs and lows are part of the package. By sharing your journey, you are teaching each of us to celebrate the good and the bad and life. Thank you❤️ #TeamTracyMoreHeart•Reply•1/27/19
• Donna Cleary : Praying for you.MoreHeart•Reply•1/25/19
• Annmarie Farris : ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️MoreHeart•Reply•1/24/19
• Joni Thurber : I hate that you are experiencing this degree of panic, fear, heartache, yet there’s something beautiful about going into battle with God that can’t be beat. Hugs and love, Joni (the other one)2heartsMoreHeart•Reply•1/23/19
• Joanie Guggenmos : Our precious Tracy, again we thank you for sharing your thoughts, your fears, your prayers, your thankfulness and love. All the things that race in your head are so familiar… I feel your emotions as I did twice before. I do remember thinking in 2001, “I CANNOT lose my breast” But it was 9/12, the day AFTER 9/11 and losing my breast was much easier than losing my life as so many did the day prior ~ that horrific day. I was blessed it was only a breast. I definitely know it isn’t easy, but it’s amazing how far modern medicine has come in such a short time and all they have learned through continuing research. Oh, and by the way, I believe those flamingos migrated by way of Port Orchard. We’d hoped they would make you smile. Please know they will be watching you through your window. We told those flamingos to take care of you while we’re away for awhile. We adore you and pray for you all. MommaG and The Dad xo2heartsMoreHeart•Reply•1/23/19
• Sally Brown : Dearest Tee Tee, Thank you so much for all that you are sharing. I feel like I am in the room with you but because I am not, I am sending you lots and lots of hugs. xoxo Sally1heartsMoreHeart•Reply•1/23/19
• Jo Gartenberg : Beautiful raw and honest. Thanks for sharing your journey and feel the collective support from everyone you have touched.1heartsMoreHeart•Reply•1/23/19
• Kim Streamer : You’ve become such a beautiful writer and your faith abounds. I’m so proud of you and am on my knees as well. While we’ve joked about some of the amazing titles … there’s a book in your future. Love you!2heartsMoreHeart•Reply•1/22/19
• Tami Thompson : OH MY GOODNESS, the yard flamingos !!! I wish I could say they’re from me. I love them💗2heartsMoreHeart•Reply•1/22/19